Life and Death

The one thing that is guaranteed in life, is death. This week I lost my step father. I do not have an amazing story to tell about him. In fact, for much of my life I had a profound resentment toward him. He never abused or mistreated me. I just felt abandoned by my mother because of him. Years ago I probably would have been happy if he passed.
Today I feel empty. I have known this man for about 40 years. He practically was the only father my younger sister knew. He was my mothers husband. Those factors alone make it a difficult circumstance to deal with.
He had been rapidly declining over the past year, so his passing was expected. Even though we know death is unavoidable, it still carries abundant pain and grief. I recall the many negative and positive encounters I had with my step dad during my childhood, resulting in a chuckle or a shake of the head. I wonder what I would have said to him right before his last breath. I probably would have thanked him for being a part of my mothers life. I do not know if I would be the person I am today if it was not for him.
Being a 70’s baby the one thing that kept children in line… was fear. Fear of the belt, switch, and any other household available items that could be used as a weapon. I was taught violence from an early age and though I was always afraid to fight, I fought and often won. My dad would make me fight, my older cousins would make me fight. So in time it became a part of me. When my parents separated after we moved to Greenwich, Connecticut from the Bronx, New York, I was a lost light skin black boy. Living in the Bronx and Mount Vernon NY, I was always called the white boy. In Greenwich I was Black, poor and different. I was headed to juvenile detention fast. There was no man in the house to instill fear into me and or guide me through these tough years. I played sports and was good at all of them, I might add. However sports only took up some of your time. My mother worked 3rd shift so she could be home during the day, so she could not keep up with us after we got out of school ( I have 2 younger sisters, 3 years and 10 years behind me). I was doing kid stuff in the neighborhood and at school and getting into trouble. I also was trying to understand this black and white thing that I was experiencing. The 80’s were still filled with in your face racism. Just to give you an idea of the level of prejudice I was dealing with, a young girl in my English class in 7th grade told us that her parents would not let her watch the Cosby show because of the characters. That statement still bothers me to this day. The Cosby show was about family. The color of the characters in my opinion should not change the content that the show was illustrating to the public. This was a lot for a 10-13 year old boy.
My mother began dating Nat (as we called him) While I was in 6th grade. I remember this because my 6th grade teacher was always asking about my mother. When I first met Nat I was scared. He was big and strong looking. He had dark skin and dark eyes and did not smile much. I always could remember the beatings my dad gave me. In my mind there was no way I would live if this man gave me a beating. Thank God I never had to experience a beating from him. I probably deserved several good ones. I feared this man so I would only push so far. Plus we were in Greenwich, Connecticut. Parenting was different there, much different from what I was accustomed to. The first time I saw a child yell at his mother and tell her to shut up was at the park when I was in 5th grade. I got scared for him. Nothing happened! I mentioned this to my mother and she just looked at me with that “ try that shit with me look”. Enough said. The fear alone prevented me from being the worst possible kid I could be.

Nat brought stability to my family. He was not much of a father in terms of helping or talking to us about problems in life or school. He was present. He didn’t go out much or have many friends over. He never went missing and I do not recall my mother crying because of him. Those are all vivid memories that my father left on my consciousness. Nat helped my mother financially with raising us and that alone is enough for me to have extreme gratitude for. I never showed or told him that as a child or young adult. I was too busy resenting him for my failures in life. He stayed with my mother despite any and everything thus, allowing my siblings and I the opportunity to stay in Greenwich and get an amazing education. Although I barely graduated high school I still learned. My D average was earned because I truly earned those 60’s and 70’s. That is why I was able to have a 3.7GPA in graduate school and a 3.91GPA in a doctoral program. I did the minimum as a kid. My grades and academic accomplishment displayed my true effort always!
What I remember most about my Step Dad was paddle ball. When I was young my mother and him used to go play paddle ball all the time. I loved to go because at the time I still did not have many friends in Greenwich. I learned to play paddle ball and I had fun doing so. It is easy to reflect as a healed adult. Nat, like all of us, had areas in life where he could have improved. Pulling him down does not make me a better person. I realize that his life was based on his experiences. Unfortunately I never truly let him into my heart. I never tried to get to know him or accept him for who he was. If I did, my outlook of him would be different. My younger sister was open to that opportunity and she thinks the world of him. My mother married him. They are two women who I respect and love. The Wakime of today knows the importance of lifting others up, especially those in your inner circle. Nathaniel Green thank you for being a part of my life. You are a piece of me and I will take with me the good memories of you and take care of my mother so she will never have to be alone. Rest easy DAD!

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