How we became…
I was lucky, we had something in common. The first time you meet someone or have not seen someone in decades, you are extremely nervous. Although I had prepared for years for this occasion. There is no guarantee that the situation will go as I planned. As a former coach and basketball player, I have never been a part of a game that went as planned. The plan was to go to the Yankees game in the Bronx. We both loved the Yankees and thought this was a great idea. I had a lot of support/help during this process because my youngest son was with my girlfriend at that time. I was not sure what to expect and I am sure they felt the same way. I will ask them one day and have them explain it to you.
The suspense is killing you, isn’t it? I guess it’s okay for me to tell you who I was meeting. I was meeting my oldest son whom I have not seen in over 14 years. I had not seen him since about 2001. The situation was complicated and I ran from the challenge. I decided to live with it to this day. It is a scar on my soul that I will never forget. I love that scar now. I could not say that in 2015 or maybe even 2020. While the days came closer for us to meet I began to have an assortment of difficult questions running through my head. Is he smart, athletic, gay, lazy, a bum, like me, like his step dad, or like his mom. This is how we judge people before we meet them. Fortunately for him, he was nothing like I expected, or thought. He was himself and he has become the young man I love to this day. He is unique. He has many of my features and qualities and he uses them in his own way. I think he can do more physically with himself, and that is because I believe we all need to move our bodies daily.
The game did not go as planned. To be honest, I could not tell you the result of the game. All I know is that my son is in my life today, in fact he will be the best man at my upcoming wedding. He is amazing, and I love him as a father should love his child. We are working on building a stronger relationship. Relationships take work and effort. They are always affected by other relationships. We and our children move and develop relationships with others, then we as parents struggle adjusting to no longer being thought of first. He does more than enough to show how much he adores me. I know I should and could give more, I am going to try. I will continue to try till the day I die.
Almost 8 years ago I established a relationship with my child. I lived my life up until 2020 in guilt due to my absence from his life. That guilt never helped me fix anything. In fact, that guilt held me hostage and stole my ability to love without fault. I used to be so afraid to accept or give love because I ran away from my own blood. I locked my heart away, only giving physical and material love to others. I rejected affection as if it was my unmasked enemy with the plague trying to kiss me. I told the story differently when I was trying to excuse myself of poor behavior. I tried not to make myself look like an insensible villain. A great man could and will make a mistake that does not reflect their overall character. What a great man does is own that action, learn from it and become better. I was honest with my son when we talked about that situation. That blunt honest truth that probably hurt him, has allowed him to forgive me and us to move forward and not waste time angry over what we can not change. Wasted energy in the past is lost opportunities in the present.
To this day I still feel shame when people say that I am a good father. I am trying to accept that. I know what I did and I know I can be better. That’s me. My bar is high for everything I do now. You are assuming that there will be a book on My relationship with my oldest son and you are correct. He will play Batman and I will be Robin. He was the star in this situation because he was able to forgive me and move forward. He was a hero and in turn he received a man willing to be his father. He is damn amazing and I will not tell him that often because he can be better, just like you and just like me!!!
Thank you for reading
Your Friend
Wakime