Letting go
For decades, I walked around carrying extra weight on my shoulders. This weight was added day by day. I became strong, which has allowed me to be in the positions I am in today. Along with this strength came a lack of empathy and vulnerability. Looking at my environment and what I was taught, I have learned to accept all the negative impacts as I have received the positives. The weight I was carrying around came with pain, trauma, and loss. I held this pain inside me and could feel it with each beat of my heart. The rhythm was fierce and unpredictable because, at any time, a demon within could be awakened. As my weight grew, I began to move faster and work harder. I avoided the reality that I had become numb, and I was the happiest, miserable person I knew. There was a time when I believed I could conquer the world alone. I was a superhero. I was iron. I have learned that superheroes are not real, and men break, too!
As a man with grown kids, I have realized I have a long road ahead to become the person I want to be. By the time I reach the standard of today, there will be more I need to know, learn, and work on. I was blessed to have a few good men who helped me become a man at different times. A man? What is a man? The definition, especially in America, has evolved over the past few generations. A man could be a father, a brother, a son, a guide, a husband, a friend, a coach, and on and on. However, it is not the nouns, in my opinion, that make up the man. A man should be described as a verb. A man teaches his children, provides for his family, and protects his family, and a man holds himself and others around him accountable.
My childhood affected my early adulthood because the weight I was carrying should have been left on the rack at that stage of my life. However, I was carrying my boyhood trauma into my teenage years and my adolescent problems into my young adulthood. My perspectives were counterproductive to my goals and wants. I wanted something I never had and had no clue how to get it. I wanted a father-and-son relationship with my father or my sons. When I was coming up, I thought I would be a great father because I would be better than my father. This is definitely the case in my situation. I have more degrees than my father and have contributed more to society than my father. However, that does not make me a good father. That makes me a contributing member of society. As I recognize these realities of my life, I look at my grown children and the lack of fathering and grandfathering. Like me, at their age, they lack true self-accountability in relationships. They are consumed in everything other than the importance of their family. They resist adult relationships with their parents. Like me, they are broken. However, like me, they could hide in the success of their jobs and careers and try to ignore the mere fact they are broken. You could not tell me I was broken when I was on the run from my problems. You could not tell me I was broken when I did not love myself and validated my feelings on how many people liked me or thought I was cool. Broken to people sounds like you did not make it. Broken to me today means I am actually living life, facing my fears, and growing emotionally. I am becoming that Grandfather or grandmother many of us have seen as the light of our lives. My Grandfather was my God before I truly understood God.
I am broken because I was carrying the weight of life without stopping along the way and dropping off some of the pounds. I moved on with my life as if the burdens of my past would not show up and remind me what I had been through. It took Covid 19 for me to forgive my father for not being the man I wanted him to be. Let me repeat that, the man I wanted him to be. Too often, we want others or think they should be who we want them to be. We need to accept and respect who and what people are. I am not saying we should not ask, guide, and expect people to treat us a certain way, but we should not expect people to be the people they want us to be. Once people hurt us, we want them to be different people. We think that changing them will fix us. I do not know how this would ever work. We must learn that everyone has their own issue and should be open to understanding and accepting them. I am not saying to accept someone beating you or stealing from you. I am talking about small relationships issues, and conflicts, like spending time together, essential communication, and understanding.
Letting go for a Christian like myself would be done through forgiveness. I never understood the power of forgiveness until I forgave my father. I always thought that forgiveness was for the person you are forgiving. That you would be doing them a favor by forgiving them. I was so wrong. Forgiveness is for you. It’s for you to move on in life without carrying the extra weight of life. I forgave my father, and I could live again lighter and brighter. I began to be thankful and understand how blessed I am to be in the position I am in today. I have not held on to a negative feeling about a person since. Even when I must move on from a person, I forgive them. It allows me not to bring that negative energy into my next relationship or friendship. Forgiveness for the non-christian is just letting go.